Greetings Dowel fans!

It's the 11th of the month again – and that means its time to unleash our Dowel themed newsletter – once again we are full to the brim with Dowel news and its still not enough to calm our craving for Dowel! This month we are finally upto date with our membership applications – so, for the benefit of all our members new and old we will recap our progress on all our current major Dowel projects… lets begin.

The Dowel Space Program

Our space programme is a vitally important piece of infrastructure as it will allow us to send Dowels anywhere in the world within 45 minutes (often less). The concept for this is now almost fully developed and we are at the stage where we are trying to aquire initial funding and on that there has been significant progress. Or at least we have a solid plan to get this funding. Now, like many great endeavours – this initial funding may be slightly illegal – but in my opinion not in the least bit immoral, you know, so long as you don’t consider acquiring and then selling the skull of a former monarch to an African warlord immoral (I don’t, if anything its payback as part of other repatriations….) Moving on...

Making nutritious Dowels.

All of our best minds are working on our space programme – so naturally we have had to reassess our plan to use the Dowel to bring greater nutrition to the world. This means that instead of developing ways to alter the human genome – making it so that humans can better digest Dowels – our revised plan is to sand Dowels down to their constituent parts – mix this with a selection of vitamins and iron etc and a range of different added flavourings all bound together with a non-toxic food safe glue and then we will take this mush and reform it in to Dowel shaped ‘food adjacent’ material and market this as Nutri-Dowels! They are great and ‘naturally high in fibre’… we could maybe market it with a cartoon Dowel.

DOWEL (PHOTO) OF THE MONTH

This month we shamelessly steel a photo from "@thedowel" on instagram..

Halloween is supposed to be the time when the boundary between the dead and living drops - what do dead people think about the Dowel? Why not ask them.

After the break!

Still to come - why dont the crows talk to me? How old is your Dowel? Why wont the Cult Information Centre acknowledge my arguments? All that and more!

Intermission:

Reason 74 for preffering Dowels over nails - no one has ever stepped on a Dowel and thought "I better get a tetnus jab"

Praise the Dowel!

Talking to Crows.

So, we have more or less established that Crows can use the Dowel to communicate with each other and that they can also use it communicate with Humans - now it turns out after making initial contact with a band (murder?) of local crows – I think they can speak to me – but they choose not to. Their loss. I mean I am not going to take it personally. I know I'm likeable - I have the Dowel!! It might also be because I tried to feed them nutri-Dowels earlier, they didn’t like that and now they choose to avoid any locations where they think I might be and instead hang out on the other bank of the river which they (rightly) assume I cant or wont go to. Whatevers…

Charting the history of the Dowel

As noted on our website – we have traced the history of the Dowel throughout the ages – including the worlds oldest known Dowel which is known to be under a pyramid in Egypt. We also have circumstantial evidence that the Dowel existiedeven further back in time - to a time even before wood existed on earth. So, it goes pretty far back – there is one fairly obvious hole in our knowledge – we have no idea what the Chinese did with Dowels… so that's where our future history research will be focussing. We also don’t know much about the Dowel in the middle east either – but you know… also we’ve not been able to post Dowels to suadi arabia for whatever reason – that's just another reason why we must develop our own means of space bourne intercontinental Dowel delivery.

Is this a cult?

No - we have still not been recognised as a cult by any of the cult watch groups that I have been emailing. This is an affront to our dignity and it burns me up with rage every day! Moving on...

Readers Question of the month.

This month please reply to this email or leave us a message on +447522581019* and complete the following sentence “my favourite nutri dowel tastes like…”
*Calls charged at your standard rate - we want to get a more memorable and Dowel related number like "1" but we cant afford it yet.

NEXT MONTH

Next month – we get theological and ask – was Jesus really a carpenter or was it just early Christians trying to piggy back on the popularity and faith of the Dowel? All that and more – on 11/11. Arguably the Doweliest day of the year…

Praise the Dowel - P.

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