PRAISE THE DOWEL!!

THE NEWSLETTER OF THE DOWEL

February 2023

CONTENT WARNING!!

This email contains course language throughout and goes in to topics that most people will probably find offensive to some degree. I think I took the worst examples out… at least the bits referring to bestiality - still. There remains copious amounts of swearing, an insinuation or two about some very big institutions and some arguably quite un PC language. If you do have any complaints - just remember greed is the true perversion.

Greetings Dowel fans!

This month we talk about the price of Dowels - again! We have recieved correspondence from some of the worst offending retailers, we detail what the official "Holly Order of the Dowel" response will be, we introduce you to a new member, request another and the "thats weird" illustration from last month is now attached properly! We begin with what everyone is talking about - the price of Dowels....

As you know - the price of Dowels is getting out of hand - if you look at this months Dowel Watch price update you will see there has been a change at the top spot - Denmark is down one place to no.2 and the new “most expensive place on earth to buy Dowels” is surprise surprise - the United Kingdom of "Great" Britain and they are doing it with record high Dowel prices. What a fucking crock of shit!

Let us stand in solidarity!

In last months email we put the call out looking to see who would support srike action - we got a fair response - somewhat interestingly the overwhelming majority of people in favour of striking were based outside the UK. I'll let you draw your own conclusions as to what that means regards the character of people living in the U.K…. I for one will not be taking this outrageous and frankly egregious example of price gouging lying down.

Dowel Price Update

Greed had no boundaries

We've been writing to Dowel retailers and others - here are the responses we have gathered so far.

B&Q: I wrote to ask B&Q if their prices for Dowels were a mistake. They responded fobbing us off with some bullshit - two pargaraphs of grovelling and insincere apologies - then an entire page of them saying “they will do what they like and we have to abide by it”. Fuck them.

HOMEBASE: Homebase somehow wrote back to tell me that £2 is actually cheap for Dowels “and its only expensive when you consider the number of Dowels included”. Really? YOU ARE CHARGING £2 FOR FOUR 10x40mm DOWELS! ITS FUCKING 50p PER DOWEL!! YOU BASTARDS. They actually raised the price from £1.99 to £2.00 after I replied back. Its hard not to take that personally.

SCREWFIX: I was not shy in letting Screwfix know that I think they are controlled by a big screw conspiracy - they gave me a so-so response. They did actually reinstate their Dowel product listing online - which is something. However - guess what - they don't have any Dowels in stock online or at ANY store. Did they think I wouldn't check? I CHECKED THEM ALL! They think they can fob me off. Fuck them.

THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY. I wrote to the PRINCIPAL leader of the church of England asking if he would be interested in hearing about a genuine religious miracle that occurred outside his own back yard in archbishops park - I got no response. Fuck 'em.

THE SECRETARY OF STATE. This is technically unrelated to the Dowel - but I wrote to the secretary of state for the environment asking if they would consider changing the bylaws for the royal parks so that people can keep Donkeys in them - no response. Fuck them.

THE MUSEUM OF CROYDON. I wrote to them to ask if they would like to feature an exhibit inspired by a local faith leader. I even volunteered to put the display on at zero cost to them. NO RESPONSE!

What the fuck is wrong with people? WHAT CONNECTS US ALL TOGETHER ANYMORE! PEOPLE NEED THE DOWEL!

So,as you can see - the letter writing is not going very well. Here are the details of how we will carry on.

Stage II.

We will continue to March

We will continue to write letters until March. I urge you all to write to to your MP, your local B&Q, Homebase or Wickes store, write to your local and national newspaper, bbc watchdog, whomever it may concern. Do not feel the need to be polite - the time for that has passed. You don't need to buy a stamp either - just draw a Dowel in the place where the stamp would normally go and it will get to its intended destination - you mark my words. Or email them, whatever. Dont get me started on the new barcoded stamps - its just another way for them to track me / us. Reply to this address letting us know who you have written to.

Stage III.

WE ARE NOBODIES FOOLS

STAGE III - April Fools. Lets assume by April 1st we still dont have cheaper Dowels. What will we do then? We up the ante - we'll visit Homebase stores to take disruptive action - we will make a scene attempting to pay for items using Dowels. “Your website says a single Dowel is worth 50p - now here is 500 Dowels - I want that fucking sofa” enough of us do that and we'll get a thing going.

We'll also picket B&Q stores every weekend. For those planning on coming over from overseas - I suggest the B&Q in Wandsworth - as its right across the road from the big london tourist destination “gravity” we can go there after B&Q gives in to our demands or after they shut.

PROTEST TIP: When protesting, please do not buy the materials for your signs etc from B&Q or Homebase - that just defeats the purpose. Please do write in with slogan ideas.

Stage II.II

MAY DAY! CELEBRATE

If by this time (May day) we have not seen a reasonable reduction in the price of Dowels (and it looks like we wont have). Then we are prepared to escalate further. During May the worlds eyes will be on London (albeit briefly) as some guy is getting a hat fitting or something - we will show the world we will not accept being fucked up the arse on the price of Dowels! We will not be forced to pay over the odds just to exercise our religious freedoms! We may be tied to the ruling class - but we deserve reasonably priced Dowels!

And thats another thing - where does all the extra money these companies charge for Dowels go? I heard it (allegedly) goes to fund drugs, call centre scams and organised crime. Fucking bastards.

There we go - I think things get a little less heated from here on.

After the break!

Still to come - marketting, membership news and more!

Are those Dowels?

We wrote to french online retailer LaRedoute to ask if the design of these candles were inspired by the Dowel - we have yet to recieve a relpy.

SHOP Now!

Intermission:

You are part of a large collective of like minded individuals. The Dowel connects us to nature, to community - to tranquillity. Praise the Dowel.

WEBSITE STUFF

Our new and improved website is up and running. We're getting plenty of hits from Israel, China and from all of the “five eyes” countries actually - all the countries with big electronic surveillance programs basically, I think we are making the right type of waves.

MEMBERSHIP NEWS

We have one new member this month. They enjoy snowboarding, hiking and complaining about the cost of living. Now they also have the Dowel. They see the Dowel as a way of connecting with people - without actually needing to talk to them. They live in NW London and originally hail from Greece. I was a bit surprised we didn't have any Greek members before now - but looking in to it - Dowel is very difficult to translate in to Greek. Case in point - the google.translate confused the Dowel with a type of Arabian mustard.

Next month I would like to update you all with news that we have another new member - specifically I need a Victoria or a Tori, Vee, Vic or Vicki… So, if any of you know a Victoria or a Tori, Vee, Vic or Vicki - please give them a Dowel - and we'll see if the message gets through. Thank you.

Also that reminds me - I need the home addresses of any directors who work for B&Q, Wickes or Homebase. Arbitrary Dowel points and increased splendour to to anyone who can help with those.

THAT'S WEIRD

Do you know what I like seeing - any sighting of Christmas elves in June. I love it - specifically ones going about their day to day business, trying not to be disturbed whilst in full elf regalia. I know its not very PC either - but I like the small ones.

Why am I bringing this up now - because I know its February and here we are posting that covid safe santa illustration that was meant to be attached to last months letter - I tried sending it before but I forgot how to email properly.

On reflection... I think my expressed preference for small elves is just a societal preference conditioned into me by coca cola's Disney illustrators and the fact is - I actually don't mind what size they are.

When you think about it further - its well documented fact that children exposed to famine when in the womb or during early childhood will be shorter than well fed equivalents - and if this is repeated over multiple generations… this is what you get. So, its not entirely unreasonable to assume that the elves may be a famished, imprisoned slave workforce. All overseen by a man in a red suit who who clearly has never suffered from a lack of food himself. Further he delivers the best most expensive presents to the children of already rich parents and delivers fuck all to poor kids - all whilst reporting no obvious source of income other than perhaps “favours”. Everywhere you look its the same fucking thing. Fucking hell - the guys base of operations is literally in international waters…. Why do we celebrate this?

I much prefer how they do things in Catelonia where tradition states that if Children look after their giant Dowel - keeping it warm, feeding it etc. Then it will shit out presents for them on Christmas Eve. If I remember - I will try to feature the shitting Dowel on next years Christmas card (so make sure your address details are kept up to date if you do not want to miss out).

NEXT MONTH

Next month we will have tips on how to beat the cost of living crisis by making your own Dowels and I'm also hoping my M.P. responds to me - he's a member of the Joint Committee on Human Rights - so hopefully he will understand. All I want is a sincere conversation about the price of Dowels.

Until then - best wishes people and stay strong - strong like the DOWEL!

PS if you have any complaints about this email - then genuinely I would like you to reply to this email - someone will read them. I probably need to be put in my place.

Its just…. HOME BASE REALLY WIND ME UP - THOSE BASTARDS. WE ALL KNOW THEY ARE THE REASON THAT TRAINS DONT RUN ON TIME AND THAT PARAMEDICS ARE STRIKING!

“Allegedly, Allegedly, Allegedly”.

I REGRET NOTHING.

Praise the Dowel.

P.

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